{"id":1254,"date":"2011-01-25T17:53:58","date_gmt":"2011-01-25T17:53:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/har0ld.com\/playground\/2011\/01\/improvisation\/"},"modified":"2011-01-25T17:53:58","modified_gmt":"2011-01-25T17:53:58","slug":"improvisation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/har0ld.com\/playground\/2011\/01\/improvisation\/","title":{"rendered":"Improvisation"},"content":{"rendered":"

I knew his death would trigger something or put me into another perspective.<\/p>\n

Now I look at my legal family, dad mom and sister and I need to face it.<\/p>\n

I just feel totally off them. Not like stranger off, more like alien off. I have this memory of an evening where for the first time I cranked up the volume of my radio to blast What\u2019s Going On<\/em>. Of course I didn\u2019t know what it meant, I just loved the voice, the feeling and the music. My parents went apeshit telling me that we were not in the ghetto so I had to turn that down. Damn I was like eleven or twelve and never thought that I would remember this forever.<\/p>\n

It was telling a lot about how I\u2019m different from them  -they don\u2019t care about music like I do and don\u2019t know shit about black music at all, they\u2019re talking about people of my color like they\u2019re bad and just a little bit of excess is not allowed- but of course, I was just confused. Now I know why I\u2019m still confused. Because I see how by having a typical stuck-up white intellectual family on one side, a really divided and discriminatory society on the other side, I feel so screwed. Neither of them are satisfying. And yet by my position, I have it all but. Fuck.<\/p>\n

\"Winter<\/a>
BlackGoldOfTheSun<\/em><\/p>\n

I have to recognize that overall it always felt artificial with my parents, from the beginning. Like an industry contract: you help me out in life, I\u2019m a good son to you. Nothing too personal, just business. I mean, it started with them coming to visit me, offering me presents at my foster family house and when you\u2019re a kid you go where you can have more of these. I call that business. Then I just learned and soaked up knowledge they were giving me like a sponge. Looking back on it , that\u2019s all I did, sharing emotions, love was more than rare despite trying and create awkardness. It\u2019s hard to admit it and I\u2019m sure they would be sad but hey, letting me do what I wanted to do without support, like an obligation they have to fulfill, does that too. That\u2019s ok.<\/p>\n

I have a connection with my foster family that looks like the \u201cdefault family connection\u201d<\/em>, like most of you have. Because I grew up there I guess. It feels natural. Despite the same physical differences I feel connected in a way that I have never been able to reproduce with my parents. I tried, I hoped, it was bullshit. You don\u2019t really create that, it exists or it doesn\u2019t. <\/p>\n

They warn people that old \u2013that is, any baby after 12 months- adopted child integration into a family is complicated. Since the beginning I feel being a character, playing a role. For a long time I thought it was going on pretty well and felt real but it honestly never felt true. There was a big \u201c\u2026and scene\u201d<\/em> moment when I was at last, alone. 25 years like that. <\/p>\n

What is left when you don\u2019t connect at all emotionally with your family? What\u2019s like to talk about black hair with your black dad? Damn I wish I knew. It\u2019s terrible when people including the closest are both pointing at me as black while saying I am not black because I don\u2019t act like a black dude <\/em>kind of sending the message that I\u2019m neither black or white and so I don\u2019t belong anywhere. Guys, I am black, dark skinned or chocolate if you want. Visually I can\u2019t hide it, hence the classic \u201cwhere you\u2019re from? I mean, ethnically\u201d<\/em> I get all the time in France la Rude. Otherwise I\u2019m just Harold. I don\u2019t fit any of your boxes. Even when I want it. <\/p>\n

The terrible under representation of black people in circles I\u2019ve been involved in didn\u2019t help feeling comfortable. Don\u2019t laugh at it, a lot of white people get totally depressed living in Japan and I remember this black Katrina refugee sent to Utah, 1.4% of black people there (compared to 12.9% nationwide). She went crazy. Well I\u2019m doing that since day one so in some way it\u2019s easier but it\u2019s also much heavier. I grew up being the 1% black stat and when I saw a lot more black people I was twenty something and they were friggin\u2019 undereducated 99% of the time. France, US it\u2019s all bad. WTF am I supposed to do with that. It feels like it pushes me into craziness: being all the time the exception and wanting to be more in the pack \u2013but which one?- while still wanting to be different because it\u2019s a positive value. Often. But not too much? How much then? I\u2019m confused.<\/p>\n

Recently in the past few years, it feels too much. Probably because of the depressing state of work and business in France in which I sank myself in for poor benefits but anyway. I can\u2019t take looks people are giving at my family and me when we hang out in public. I can\u2019t look at my parents, sister, in the eyes anymore. I kind of don\u2019t want to see the extended family despite the fact that I miss them a bit but man in the south they don\u2019t like guys like me and I still have painful memories of escaping looks when I was taking pictures with my beautiful deep blue eyed white cousin. I can\u2019t take that shit anymore, having to explain how the fuck I am related to him her or them.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s easier to connect with friends because the relationship\u201cdoesn\u2019t have to be\u201d<\/em>. No question asked. It\u2019s easier with women because they deeply know even if they say that they don\u2019t, what discrimination and living in a world that looks ok but is totally fucked up are. It\u2019s easier with people who happened to have a not so conventional personal life. But even in these cases, I\u2019m  dealing with my quite unique paradigm which draws me away from everyone.<\/p>\n

I guess that\u2019s why I appreciate so much to be alone, to be myself by myself. I worked on that, how to be happy alone since forever. I\u2019m good at it now, thanks to OCPD<\/a> tendencies, music and games. Oh and the internet.<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s also why I love so much improvisation: a set of rules and total freedom around it. No judgment, no why, it\u2019s on the fly<\/em>. Can\u2019t stop won\u2019t stop. It\u2019s also one of the rare, universally appreciated skill.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s what I always did. And that\u2019s probably what I\u2019ll always do.<\/p>\n

Improvisation<\/strong><\/em> is the practice of acting, singing, talking and reacting, of making and creating, in the moment and in response to the stimulus of one’s immediate environment and inner feelings. This can result in the invention of new thought patterns, new practices, new structures or symbols, and\/or new ways to act.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I knew his death would trigger something or put me into another perspective. Now I look at my legal family, dad mom and sister and I need to face it. I just feel totally off them. Not like stranger off, more like alien off. I have this memory of an evening where for the first […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/har0ld.com\/playground\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1254"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/har0ld.com\/playground\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/har0ld.com\/playground\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/har0ld.com\/playground\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/har0ld.com\/playground\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1254"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/har0ld.com\/playground\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1254\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/har0ld.com\/playground\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1254"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/har0ld.com\/playground\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1254"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/har0ld.com\/playground\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1254"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}