Freeze Your Head

I was wondering why there’s not a lot of people living in-between countries but now I have my painful answer.

It freezes your brain like a cold axe slaughtering your head.

It fucks my mind so hard. It was the worst week of the year they said. Well I concur.

It’s not really about the shitty weather or Christmas aftershock or more importantly because I miss her so hard. It’s about being stuck between two cultures that are really close and yet fundamentally different.

This in-between is the weirdest psychological thing I have ever experienced. It’s like living in two separate timeline where I have this one where I’m living in the US and this one I live for now here in France. This one I know so bad. This one that makes me think about last year when I started my company and really felt at war and hitting a dead end with France in general.

I was already moving away since a while. 7 years without TV, so less and less french discussion about what’s happening here. Ten years I’m reading most of the time in english, watching shows in english and now it’s been a year I’m writing in english. All my computers, OSes, apps are all in the language of Shakespeare.

So it’s really, really awkward to live in France interacting with my inside world –social medias, music, movies- all in english  and communicate with the outside world in french. Now that I lived in the US it’s even worse. I feel like totally spaced out, stranger in both countries.

And because I’m connected with my Verdell everyday with a 8 hours delay, having a clock widget set on Pacific Time to look at, I’m totally out of time too. In the evening I always have a rush of energy knowing that LA is waking up and getting ready. It makes me want to do things when it’s dinner time and that well, Paris is getting sleepy. And then I feel it too.

Depression. I call that a rollercoaster-you-can’t-get-out-from. It’s funnier this way.

I can’t wait for it to stop though.