I feel stupid in front of death. Being adopted means that you need to kill your biological parents in your mind. You need at an early age to live with the fact that they are not here. They don’t exist. They sure are missing but they will never come back. They are kind of dead.
It’s so hard that a lot of adopted people go back later in their lives to resuscitate them by any means necessary. I haven’t and I don’t want to. With the luck of having people taking care of me, people who don’t look like me at all, it expanded my empathy, it expanded my will to kind of love everyone regardless you know? I care a lot. By design, nothing that I really chose upon.
I just don’t know what to say about death. I feel extremely cold about it compared to most of you. I only had one very close death but I was away from him since so many years. It wasn’t a shock, even less with a throat cancer and decades of heavy smoking. I only lived with him during my first six years on earth and then every year for a week or two, that’s not the same. The bad part was being so far away and useless. I still feel bad sometimes when I receive a private message on Facebook and of course, I miss him.
To me death creates a sense of emergency to do my best at anything I do, an urge to be the best and good and make people happy. To beat myself at being even more happier because I am alive and don’t need a lot. MinMax.
I know that anybody can at anytime, disappear. Like not just knowing, acknowledging. That’s the first rule in my life. “Hey you’re supposed to have your parents when you’re born! Guess what, not you. It happens. Sorry”. Which makes me believe that we should really like what we do and shit like that. But also makes me really precautious, sort of shy, maybe too much even if I feel confident overall. It’s hard to find a balance and it’s a weird mix.
The thing is that it will never change. I’m like an aggregator of people, families, I get really close to all of you but I don’t share enough either, like a son and a dad, a mom and her daughter or sisters and brothers. Maybe gladly because you are all fucked with these strong connections, I noticed.
I’m a monster. So I try to be a nice one like in the Pixar’s movie.
Boo