Something weird happened this year. I started smoking cigarettes again for half the year, and then I stopped completely. For the first time not smoking tobacco at all. So it’s been like a few months.
It’s weird. First it’s disappointing: I thought I would gain so much more breathing room, I guess I’ve been physically active enough to compensate. It did get better, I don’t have those first 3 or 4 out-of-breath minutes on my bike anymore but it’s not crazy and it looks like it won’t get that much better.
I sweat less. I’m far more sleepy I’m yawning hard at 930pm now.
But also I feel losing a sense of urgency, as if now that I’m pretty much not doing anything against my body I can live forever so no rush needed. It’s fucking weird.
Focus. Really hard to focus in my mind. I can focus on paper and go through the motions but like, why bother? I’ve never felt this way. I suspect nicotine to play on my feelings to get me back on smoking though.
Well last night gave me reasons to go back to smoking YOLO and shit but I won’t. I’ll try.