Category: Me Myself&I

I still can’t believe how efficient game development made me. When I freelance for some other stuff, I’m blown away by the habits, the use of technology on top of older technology which makes everything go slower and so much more terrible things, still haunting me the next day.

Most people wouldn’t be able to ship a game, ever.

It’s weird how I want to be proud of those skills learned building games and at the same time when I see what gamedev peeps mostly look forward to –MGS5, better pixel art lightning whatevs, VR, nostalgia- I’m not going to brag about being part of that community, too manchild-ish.

And I love them, gamedev folks are hard-working, problem-solving angels. Culturally though, game development still smells like a sweaty man cave and it just stinks, son.

Fourteen years of that smell. It was kind of fun when I was 20, but now I feel like a weirdo who decided to grow up when everybody else is complacent about what game culture is today. Baby steps here and there, we’ll see how it goes.

Great article, Priceonomics..

Foster care, they say, is a temporary solution until the children’s biological parents can take care of them once again.

That is some horseshit. It’s so ridiculously out of this world to think that biological parents are the Holy Grail. They are not, so many kids growing up with their biological parents can tell you that sometimes, and more often than we’d love to they are the worst shit possible to your upbringing. So no, they are not/shouldn’t be a goal at all cost that’s disregarding Life.

Let’s be real.

Also because I have a couple of cases around me these days but seriously, what biological means when you learn that your dad isn’t your biological dad even though you thought he was all your life? That’s right: biological, DNA-bonded connection doesn’t mean anything and you people who haven’t been adopted and had nice childhoods, you agree on this while totally hoping it’s untrue. Others wish it wasn’t true.

Sorry, it is true.

By biological parents are the best, you mean stability. But stability is not a synonym of biological parents. Stability comes from people who care about you, the social system around you. You can be raised by a foster family, an adoptive family, wolves or even pigeons and be happy as long as you get a healthy, stable environment that provides what is needed. Nothing biological in this bitch.

This has led to the perception that foster families are in it for the money.

So? Firemen are getting paid to rescue people, how fucking gross. How could they do that? If you rescue people, how could you get money from that? Aren’t you supposed to live on God’s love? (I just puked in my mouth a little)

Sometimes America, you are pretty weird: everybody is trying to make it, that’s a constant for all of us. My foster mom that I went to visit last weekend, in part did this for money. She was a nanny, she enrolled as a foster mom to make more money, knowing that she was good at doing her job and I would give her a 5/5 for the care she provided. Even if she made a small profit on me –I’m pretty sure she hasn’t- I’m like, “good for you! Thanks for saving my ass too!”.

People have little brains with tiny ranges and small hearts.

It was her birthday last weekend so I brought her that picture that she didn’t know of. It’s a cool one, August 15th 2009. It’s hot as hell and I’m about to leave for California a third time, this time for months man! I’m happy, they are too because he’s in cancer remission.

Maybe a black frame wasn’t the best idea when all of the others are gold but somehow, I like it. It makes it a little special, as our relationship is/was. It feels like I welded it and that now I can move on.

It breaks my heart to leave every time even though I need to be far to be myself. Her voice man. There’s no older human sound in my head and that kind of says it all. Happy 77, young lady.

Next time I see you might be the last time before a long time.

Watched Orange Is The New Black season 1 again. Such a great show.

I’m sad that I find a bunch of female characters so exciting when female characters shouldn’t be a thing, right? Well I’m happy too though. It’s so refreshing after Breaking Bad, damn. The cast, the characters it’s just kind of perfect and rich as hell.

The prison theme, yep. Because we all are in one, aren’t we. My prison? I don’t know. Not living with any black person ever for 34 years as a black dude? That’s kind of a prison. A tough one. That’s like my SHU.

Oh I feel you girl you don’t even know.

Not being able to speak English but having to write it on the internet while I have to speak in French? Prison. Not sharing with anyone what’s like to live half a year in a country and the other in another one? Prison. For privileged people but still, I feel alone and it fucks my mind up. I don’t recommend that situation. Game audio? Kind of another one (seen recently: a game company having all the jobs listed on their website but the game audio designer one, posted somewhere else like game audio is totally something different).

I guess any hardship that isn’t shared with people around you feels like prison at some point. Of course, even more so when it’s not shared with loved ones.

Like the show demonstrates though, people outside of your prison don’t give a damn about your prison.

Surviving here is all about perspective.

That last blog post was sitting in Live Writer. I was looking at it, feeling a bit guilty to express my anger, annoyed of feeling guilty and then it doesn’t stop. Is it going to cost me anything later? Sometimes it’s bad to speak up, I never know when to shut up once I started to express myself. I really miss boundaries on that. Maybe I shouldn’t have a blog.

It’s sunny for four days, which is great but makes my PTCaliforniaD worse. Whenever I close my eyes I see that city. I feel like whenever I was biking Los Angeles my brain was like, “RECORD THAT SHIT” and now that fucker binge-watch those videos every time I don’t pay attention.

I rode my bike. After months of walking it’s like I couldn’t stop my legs and didn’t even want to. I did some loops.

Five years living in a suitcase, five weeks in the dust. Oh hell yeah I want to settle down so hard. Breathe. Stretch. Breathe longer! Stretch to infinite!

Wallpaper: 99%

Ceiling tiles: 100%

Two fireplaces to dismantle: 0%

A small closet to destroy: 0%

Still the attic to take care of. Physically haven’t hurt myself too much for now, but I’d rather write some last will before the next time I’ll get a back and neck rub: that shit will kill me.

I’m not scared to be judged. At all. I don’t care about that, I care about the outcome of being judged. And that is absolutely connected to race, sorry for bringing that up again people of color. Y’all know.

Try to say to Trayvon and Jordan’s parents that chances are nothing will happen if you simply stand up. I triple dare you. They stood up. They were not doing anything wrong, they were heavily being judged and didn’t care about that. They stood up.

And then they died, murdered. The reminder is with a black president at the White House, mortifying. Humiliating, 12 Years A Slave winning big doesn’t change anything.

I don’t care being judged on my online gaming skills, it’s just that I don’t want to read/hear anything about “dumb ass niggers”. I did, doesn’t taste great, feels gross, let’s move on. In the real world outside work, being judged feels like danger and my survival guts hate that.

The respect earned from you claiming your ground is based on a broken social system full of BS. When you’re black and especially a dude, you sort of have to not do that and please everyone in this white world otherwise you are immediately filtered out as “trouble” in inconsistent and twisted ways. It’s quite universal on this planet. You need to fit more than people respect you because they never will respect you entirely anyway, so used to ethnocentrism. You can also stay in your community forever, warm and miserable because nothing changes this way.

I don’t try to please everyone I try to make things work, everything I can. Let me do my thing. The part where I don’t give a fuck about what others think? Oh, it’s been done and done son.

The problem is not to not please everyone, it’s to not get fucked or worse killed in Florida for being yourself and harmless.

You probably saw that article. Things changed, it’s pretty amazing how.

By being six months in a country and six months in another for five years, I can tell you how local online things have become. People retreat locally, even on the internet. It’s just weird how my sister didn’t even think in .com but .fr for her website when I thought that .fr was so hell no because everyone wants to have a .com right? Right, ten years ago.

The perception was connecting with the world. “the world”. The perception was to connect with the yet unknown, learn new stuff. Today it’s about connecting with your posse and people like you.

First consequence, it is hard to read anything personal, different online these days. Everything comes out of a machine or if not from a machine, intended to be read by Google’s robots. Ranks. Pageview. Ads. Click bait to oblivion.

When I try to decipher AAA game business or why game audio is so weirdly handled, it’s genuine passion, pure love. I want it fixed, upgraded, better. It’s not bitterness or flame war, it’s will. If I don’t speak up, I’m not willing. I feel like it’s the first step.

How we integrated censorship with app stores, I still can’t quite believe it. People don’t even know how their apps get refused or pass certification and aren’t afraid to build a business on top of that. We forgot what’s like not to have freedom of speech at all, which is dangerous. It’s the same slippery slope as the ISP dance with content providers. Next thing you know, everything is locked up and your rights have been downgraded.

We went from a bunch of kids in Sweden writing back to American music majors “fuck you” to ten years later, TPB’s last founder losing its appeal in front of the European Court of Human Rights for not following US laws, in his country, Sweden. See? Rights being downgraded for the sake of a broken copyright system. It means no country, no law, no nothing will protect you if a system thinks you are wrong and should be punished. That’s not really what democracy meant and you shouldn’t be OK with that.

So, ISPs are no longer treating the internet as a commodity (things always start in the US and then all countries copy, Europe is getting there) app stores are censoring, NSA and HR are sniffing your social graph and you become silent and bland, playing mind-crushing games trying to forget and downplay all that.

Damn, that looks bad.

Removing wallpaper: 97%

Removing ceiling tiles: 50%

Cleaning up the attic for insulation: 0%

Making room in the basement: 0%

Color scheme kitchen/living room: done.

Ikea kitchen 3D design: completed.

Too many tracks to finish: in progress.

Applying to jobs: in progress.

Fighting: on.