Divorce. I guess I should write about it instead of letting it overflow me with feelings and stuff.
In the beginning there’s popping the question. There’s something super insanely scary and exciting in asking a person to be your everything for real. I really wish everyone as an adult would experience going through this and ask someone to be the one, it is a very direct way to feel naked out there humbling the shit out of you. What if she says nah? *shivers*
It makes you feel alive and looking forward I think. It makes you grow a pair (of testicles or ovaries, same) like that time as a kid when you jump into the pool from the highest you’ve ever been, ever. And you’re like “I did it and it worked even though I hurt myself hitting the water and also I can’t hear you now?!!”
Look, I know marriage is pure social construct and that humans are not designed to thrive in monogamic settings. I also heard my grandpa, my dad, my cousin tell me “just uh, don’t get married son” and I did anyway because I’m human sometimes.
But also, I know the deep and beautiful relationships I’ve seen in couples in my life don’t happen in a heartbeat that shit takes a long time, regardless. Our lives shifted so massively from previous generations and there’s still no fucking pavement or nothing.
Patience is out. We brute force or quit and that doesn’t work so well for relationships.
I miss my confidant, I miss that cerebral connection that you share with someone where you know how they would feel about [random shit] and how you would laugh with that person or how you would talk for half a hour about [random shit]. I miss the team aspect so much. I’ve been spoiled I’ve seen great team work with all my parents and grandparents I know I can top them all I’m the shit. Kidding, I’m all right I guess.
Sorry. I’m going to make more coffee and go back to sound work.