I’m writing my book proposal now that I have my FirstDraft. There’s something called competition analysis in which I have to find books kind of like mine. Well, there aren’t a lot of those.

Looking on I saw and read summaries of a lot of books on adoption, foster families etc. I hadn’t paid attention to those before. Never felt the need to care about that literature. What is going on is:

– Most are about that Christian thing. Most are written by white moms. And most are about the convenient but also kind of dull story where people look back and find their biological parents and relatives. Everyone was reunited weee.

I don’t have none of that. I don’t have biological relatives, at all. None, zero. I don’t have any idea of what my biological parents look(ed) like. No sisters or brothers, old aunties, someone? Nope. I have been spawned on this earth. That’s how it feels. I wasn’t there, and then I was.

I’m not crying about not having what most people have in one way or another, I’m more realizing that if I always feel different, it’s really because of that spawn thing. It wired me differently. It makes me care about everything and at the same time allows me to be ice cold, utterly pragmatic when needed.

For instance I’m not for the death penalty at all, but Dylan Roof needs to go. He can’t be released in the streets –he wouldn’t live for long anyway-, keeping him in jail for life is useless and extremely expensive. Sorry man, you just needed to not murder innocents. People might see conflict here. I don’t. I’m just pragmatic.

That’s why I love playing games like toys, grinding rules to see how strong/interesting they are but I don’t care about finishing a game or having the high score. I don’t need goals (when playing, of course in life I have some). I can admire, have fun, play inside something for a long time. Goals bother me, in a way. They’re artificial.

Being spawned pushed me to overwhelmingly care about *actual* things. It’s hard to explain.

I so want to fix or make things better that I look for simplicity and realness all the time. Anything that makes this more confusing or further away, I avoid. I want to know what’s going on. The as close as possible truth, the most unaltered reality. Then we fix it and enjoy it.

Spawned. That could be a book title.

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