Category: Me Myself&I

Well I still have two fireplaces to dismantle but, the big dirty cleaning of the attic is mostly done.

Dust, man. Dust is tiring. At first you really don’t care but after five hours you just need to lie down uncomfortably with water running down your nose. Good thing it’s over.

All the trash has to go somewhere though and I have almost 40 bags of that. It’s complicated to get rid of that stuff, you either have to show 3 IDs at the same name –I get screwed on the car one- to drop it off in a waste bin, where thrash is filtered out and you pay if it’s not done before and I didn’t do it because it’s fucking trash.

It’s crazy how complex things became in 30 years sometimes. Before, you could just drive to any dumpster and drop your stuff in, the end. Now I have to get my bags one by one from the attic, three times a week and make my neighbors hate me for filling up the main trash bin. All of that to get rid of stuff from someone who lived here back in the 50s, THANKS BUT NO THANKS MAN.

I’m going to be so in shape back in LA, I might become an action movie star/governor/Austrian wait no but uh, I’m hungry.

I realize that the most efficient, stable, future-proof, private and fair protocol is peer to peer. Bitcoin, Bittorrent, Tor but also B2C or eCommerce. The more direct the connection is, the better. The more atomic, the more flexible, the stronger. The less spectacular too.

I always wonder why that P2P pattern doesn’t  stick well despite all its qualities and I think it’s because of communities’ attractiveness. Communities create interest, hierarchy, friction and ultimately war against other communities. It doesn’t matter how the community has been created, would it be to genuinely make things better. At some point, that community will annoy people out of it, people in another community or people inside that community who are a bit different. It’s just a matter of time. Meanwhile, individuals, us, are suddenly made invisible and irrelevant.

It’s everywhere, we see it all the time from Crimea to Mozilla. It’s a really weird problem. If history tells us that communities are poisonous, why people still bother building them then? Habits. I think it’s a thing of the past, even though we are passing debt from countries to countries today we still socialize at a tribe level. Also, greed: communities become that really efficient machine that takes control over individuals and sucks everything –time, energy, money- out of you and makes a giggling minority abusing its power in some way, at some point, always. Power is exciting and then you get drunk on it.

In a P2P system that can’t really happen it’s all about fairness, trust and peace. It’s boring, but it’s stable as fuck.

Why stability would be important? Well that’s how the universe gave us the Earth, through stability. This is how humans made insane progress in the last 60 years, through stability. This is how you raise a family at best, through a stable life. It’s a beautiful constant in this world.

We humans should stabilize our shit more. It’s boring, but someone has to do it. We’ll have fun after that. Loads.

My biggest problem with all the discussion around sex work and porn is not how it makes some people survive, some people live, some people happy. It’s like, “cool story, hoe.” (I HAD to do it, only five years that I’m writing English)

My biggest problem is that sex work and porn are so ridiculously aimed toward men’s really dumb sex culture that it inherently cannot be something good for women, as we can witness: look out for sex discussions online today and you will see young women finding masturbation –touching your own body- disgusting while they think they should have anal sex to have “real sex without problems”.

I mean that’s fucking twisted, people. That needs to stop. It’s damn confusing for them too.

See, women even the horniest ones are not avidly collecting DVDs full of big dicks and if they do, they don’t brag about it. Women don’t argue to have the ability, the right to pay for sex. They mostly don’t do that, only men. Not all men, just some of us.

So why the fuck would we shape ALL laws and ALL markets for those guys? That’s ridiculous.

It’s the same pattern with porn business: fine, porn, fetish, hardcore sex, no biggie. These are performers, nothing good or bad. But why is that always so awful with a focus on what I guess old white dudes in control of that industry think is turning people on? Why the nails, why the heels, why the gross dudes (“they come across as unappealingly gymmish and overdone: shiny, smooth bodies annelid with veins, and usually something slightly Lou Ferrigno about their faces.”, says Julieanne, very accurately) why the socks, why the you-are-so-not-on-target-sir cunnilingus and the so sad because mandatory money shot. Why virtually all of my dude friends got a finger in their butt and liked it but SHHHH it virtually doesn’t exist in porn? Why the kid-like pussies? I want some real, prominent vulvas in my face because they scream womanhood and make me uncomfortable that is, hot. Anyway today’s porn standards are very, very, disappointing. Still. It’s a damn shame.

We focus so much the sex work/porn star talk on rights, it’s not about rights of doing whatever you want with your body, I think you guys are totally doing it. It’s about the actual impact of decades of a pretty vile culture out there, which is far from good. It’s not the lauded acts: it’s the terrible, doesn’t-want-to-die porn design. I believe that men have most of the heavy, sex culture lifting to do and rearrange that mess, which is why we don’t do shit (hey, we’re men!). Of course none of the people making money out of sex will care about the culture they are fostering, nothing personal it’s business and if you young motherfuckers think it’s real life well you’re dumb! People are more capitalist than capitalism itself.

The thing is, there are a lot of not so bright people and I don’t think they deserve to be manipulated, from young folks growing up today confused by our own taboos, lies and double standards toward sex to women who “choose” to do something pretty hardcore out of necessity or lack of choice. Saying “but this is how it works” is usually something said by someone out of the problem or profiting the issue.

I don’t think people should get paid to get on their knees and suck genitals, but I don’t think we should pay people to clean up our toilet bowls either. I know it happens, I applaud people’s courage to do those jobs (no, for real) but I ultimately think that people should fuck a lot more (endorphins), for free (FREE ENDORPHINS), and that toilet bowls should have built-in robots.

But this way I just killed very lucrative businesses and if I could do that in a heartbeat in real life, a hit man would be standing in front of me right now, ready to complete the mission.

If only we could live like Bonobos “Hi, is there a problem?” *goes down on you* we wouldn’t need none of that trade shit. That would be swell, wouldn’t it?

Disclaimer: working sporadically on an erotic game prototype for the past four years, I still do extensive reading and research on sex.

Very long and interesting interview of  Sophia Amoruso, CEO of Nasty Gal on YT. If you don’t have the time, Wikipedia.

The down to earth, I do everything I can approach talks to me. Like Morten says it’s simple, not easy.

I really wonder how that plays out in the world of fashion, not necessarily the most pragmatic field but I guess they’re doing all right.

I’m about 45% in getting my attic clean and ready for insulation. I’ll soon have done on my own a couple thousands of euros/dollars/crypto next thingy worth of work.

At first you cringe at that mountain of shit you have to deal with but then you don’t own nothing in any way to anyone and that is a pretty comfortable feeling. It’s also lonely and a much bigger scale like a thriving business doesn’t change that, as Sophia points out. Not that I didn’t know, it just validates and ticks another box in my mind.

I never know when to reach for help, maybe that’s a side effect of fierce independence and strong patience. Isn’t a bit poisonous at some point? I always feel like mating with the wrong people doesn’t yield better results and, you lose time, the most precious currency available to us humans.

Why is that always about balance? It’s ridiculous. Oh and focus. Right.

I still can’t believe how efficient game development made me. When I freelance for some other stuff, I’m blown away by the habits, the use of technology on top of older technology which makes everything go slower and so much more terrible things, still haunting me the next day.

Most people wouldn’t be able to ship a game, ever.

It’s weird how I want to be proud of those skills learned building games and at the same time when I see what gamedev peeps mostly look forward to –MGS5, better pixel art lightning whatevs, VR, nostalgia- I’m not going to brag about being part of that community, too manchild-ish.

And I love them, gamedev folks are hard-working, problem-solving angels. Culturally though, game development still smells like a sweaty man cave and it just stinks, son.

Fourteen years of that smell. It was kind of fun when I was 20, but now I feel like a weirdo who decided to grow up when everybody else is complacent about what game culture is today. Baby steps here and there, we’ll see how it goes.

Great article, Priceonomics..

Foster care, they say, is a temporary solution until the children’s biological parents can take care of them once again.

That is some horseshit. It’s so ridiculously out of this world to think that biological parents are the Holy Grail. They are not, so many kids growing up with their biological parents can tell you that sometimes, and more often than we’d love to they are the worst shit possible to your upbringing. So no, they are not/shouldn’t be a goal at all cost that’s disregarding Life.

Let’s be real.

Also because I have a couple of cases around me these days but seriously, what biological means when you learn that your dad isn’t your biological dad even though you thought he was all your life? That’s right: biological, DNA-bonded connection doesn’t mean anything and you people who haven’t been adopted and had nice childhoods, you agree on this while totally hoping it’s untrue. Others wish it wasn’t true.

Sorry, it is true.

By biological parents are the best, you mean stability. But stability is not a synonym of biological parents. Stability comes from people who care about you, the social system around you. You can be raised by a foster family, an adoptive family, wolves or even pigeons and be happy as long as you get a healthy, stable environment that provides what is needed. Nothing biological in this bitch.

This has led to the perception that foster families are in it for the money.

So? Firemen are getting paid to rescue people, how fucking gross. How could they do that? If you rescue people, how could you get money from that? Aren’t you supposed to live on God’s love? (I just puked in my mouth a little)

Sometimes America, you are pretty weird: everybody is trying to make it, that’s a constant for all of us. My foster mom that I went to visit last weekend, in part did this for money. She was a nanny, she enrolled as a foster mom to make more money, knowing that she was good at doing her job and I would give her a 5/5 for the care she provided. Even if she made a small profit on me –I’m pretty sure she hasn’t- I’m like, “good for you! Thanks for saving my ass too!”.

People have little brains with tiny ranges and small hearts.

It was her birthday last weekend so I brought her that picture that she didn’t know of. It’s a cool one, August 15th 2009. It’s hot as hell and I’m about to leave for California a third time, this time for months man! I’m happy, they are too because he’s in cancer remission.

Maybe a black frame wasn’t the best idea when all of the others are gold but somehow, I like it. It makes it a little special, as our relationship is/was. It feels like I welded it and that now I can move on.

It breaks my heart to leave every time even though I need to be far to be myself. Her voice man. There’s no older human sound in my head and that kind of says it all. Happy 77, young lady.

Next time I see you might be the last time before a long time.