Category: Me Myself&I

My biggest problem with all the discussion around sex work and porn is not how it makes some people survive, some people live, some people happy. It’s like, “cool story, hoe.” (I HAD to do it, only five years that I’m writing English)

My biggest problem is that sex work and porn are so ridiculously aimed toward men’s really dumb sex culture that it inherently cannot be something good for women, as we can witness: look out for sex discussions online today and you will see young women finding masturbation –touching your own body- disgusting while they think they should have anal sex to have “real sex without problems”.

I mean that’s fucking twisted, people. That needs to stop. It’s damn confusing for them too.

See, women even the horniest ones are not avidly collecting DVDs full of big dicks and if they do, they don’t brag about it. Women don’t argue to have the ability, the right to pay for sex. They mostly don’t do that, only men. Not all men, just some of us.

So why the fuck would we shape ALL laws and ALL markets for those guys? That’s ridiculous.

It’s the same pattern with porn business: fine, porn, fetish, hardcore sex, no biggie. These are performers, nothing good or bad. But why is that always so awful with a focus on what I guess old white dudes in control of that industry think is turning people on? Why the nails, why the heels, why the gross dudes (“they come across as unappealingly gymmish and overdone: shiny, smooth bodies annelid with veins, and usually something slightly Lou Ferrigno about their faces.”, says Julieanne, very accurately) why the socks, why the you-are-so-not-on-target-sir cunnilingus and the so sad because mandatory money shot. Why virtually all of my dude friends got a finger in their butt and liked it but SHHHH it virtually doesn’t exist in porn? Why the kid-like pussies? I want some real, prominent vulvas in my face because they scream womanhood and make me uncomfortable that is, hot. Anyway today’s porn standards are very, very, disappointing. Still. It’s a damn shame.

We focus so much the sex work/porn star talk on rights, it’s not about rights of doing whatever you want with your body, I think you guys are totally doing it. It’s about the actual impact of decades of a pretty vile culture out there, which is far from good. It’s not the lauded acts: it’s the terrible, doesn’t-want-to-die porn design. I believe that men have most of the heavy, sex culture lifting to do and rearrange that mess, which is why we don’t do shit (hey, we’re men!). Of course none of the people making money out of sex will care about the culture they are fostering, nothing personal it’s business and if you young motherfuckers think it’s real life well you’re dumb! People are more capitalist than capitalism itself.

The thing is, there are a lot of not so bright people and I don’t think they deserve to be manipulated, from young folks growing up today confused by our own taboos, lies and double standards toward sex to women who “choose” to do something pretty hardcore out of necessity or lack of choice. Saying “but this is how it works” is usually something said by someone out of the problem or profiting the issue.

I don’t think people should get paid to get on their knees and suck genitals, but I don’t think we should pay people to clean up our toilet bowls either. I know it happens, I applaud people’s courage to do those jobs (no, for real) but I ultimately think that people should fuck a lot more (endorphins), for free (FREE ENDORPHINS), and that toilet bowls should have built-in robots.

But this way I just killed very lucrative businesses and if I could do that in a heartbeat in real life, a hit man would be standing in front of me right now, ready to complete the mission.

If only we could live like Bonobos “Hi, is there a problem?” *goes down on you* we wouldn’t need none of that trade shit. That would be swell, wouldn’t it?

Disclaimer: working sporadically on an erotic game prototype for the past four years, I still do extensive reading and research on sex.

Very long and interesting interview of  Sophia Amoruso, CEO of Nasty Gal on YT. If you don’t have the time, Wikipedia.

The down to earth, I do everything I can approach talks to me. Like Morten says it’s simple, not easy.

I really wonder how that plays out in the world of fashion, not necessarily the most pragmatic field but I guess they’re doing all right.

I’m about 45% in getting my attic clean and ready for insulation. I’ll soon have done on my own a couple thousands of euros/dollars/crypto next thingy worth of work.

At first you cringe at that mountain of shit you have to deal with but then you don’t own nothing in any way to anyone and that is a pretty comfortable feeling. It’s also lonely and a much bigger scale like a thriving business doesn’t change that, as Sophia points out. Not that I didn’t know, it just validates and ticks another box in my mind.

I never know when to reach for help, maybe that’s a side effect of fierce independence and strong patience. Isn’t a bit poisonous at some point? I always feel like mating with the wrong people doesn’t yield better results and, you lose time, the most precious currency available to us humans.

Why is that always about balance? It’s ridiculous. Oh and focus. Right.

I still can’t believe how efficient game development made me. When I freelance for some other stuff, I’m blown away by the habits, the use of technology on top of older technology which makes everything go slower and so much more terrible things, still haunting me the next day.

Most people wouldn’t be able to ship a game, ever.

It’s weird how I want to be proud of those skills learned building games and at the same time when I see what gamedev peeps mostly look forward to –MGS5, better pixel art lightning whatevs, VR, nostalgia- I’m not going to brag about being part of that community, too manchild-ish.

And I love them, gamedev folks are hard-working, problem-solving angels. Culturally though, game development still smells like a sweaty man cave and it just stinks, son.

Fourteen years of that smell. It was kind of fun when I was 20, but now I feel like a weirdo who decided to grow up when everybody else is complacent about what game culture is today. Baby steps here and there, we’ll see how it goes.

Great article, Priceonomics..

Foster care, they say, is a temporary solution until the children’s biological parents can take care of them once again.

That is some horseshit. It’s so ridiculously out of this world to think that biological parents are the Holy Grail. They are not, so many kids growing up with their biological parents can tell you that sometimes, and more often than we’d love to they are the worst shit possible to your upbringing. So no, they are not/shouldn’t be a goal at all cost that’s disregarding Life.

Let’s be real.

Also because I have a couple of cases around me these days but seriously, what biological means when you learn that your dad isn’t your biological dad even though you thought he was all your life? That’s right: biological, DNA-bonded connection doesn’t mean anything and you people who haven’t been adopted and had nice childhoods, you agree on this while totally hoping it’s untrue. Others wish it wasn’t true.

Sorry, it is true.

By biological parents are the best, you mean stability. But stability is not a synonym of biological parents. Stability comes from people who care about you, the social system around you. You can be raised by a foster family, an adoptive family, wolves or even pigeons and be happy as long as you get a healthy, stable environment that provides what is needed. Nothing biological in this bitch.

This has led to the perception that foster families are in it for the money.

So? Firemen are getting paid to rescue people, how fucking gross. How could they do that? If you rescue people, how could you get money from that? Aren’t you supposed to live on God’s love? (I just puked in my mouth a little)

Sometimes America, you are pretty weird: everybody is trying to make it, that’s a constant for all of us. My foster mom that I went to visit last weekend, in part did this for money. She was a nanny, she enrolled as a foster mom to make more money, knowing that she was good at doing her job and I would give her a 5/5 for the care she provided. Even if she made a small profit on me –I’m pretty sure she hasn’t- I’m like, “good for you! Thanks for saving my ass too!”.

People have little brains with tiny ranges and small hearts.

It was her birthday last weekend so I brought her that picture that she didn’t know of. It’s a cool one, August 15th 2009. It’s hot as hell and I’m about to leave for California a third time, this time for months man! I’m happy, they are too because he’s in cancer remission.

Maybe a black frame wasn’t the best idea when all of the others are gold but somehow, I like it. It makes it a little special, as our relationship is/was. It feels like I welded it and that now I can move on.

It breaks my heart to leave every time even though I need to be far to be myself. Her voice man. There’s no older human sound in my head and that kind of says it all. Happy 77, young lady.

Next time I see you might be the last time before a long time.

Watched Orange Is The New Black season 1 again. Such a great show.

I’m sad that I find a bunch of female characters so exciting when female characters shouldn’t be a thing, right? Well I’m happy too though. It’s so refreshing after Breaking Bad, damn. The cast, the characters it’s just kind of perfect and rich as hell.

The prison theme, yep. Because we all are in one, aren’t we. My prison? I don’t know. Not living with any black person ever for 34 years as a black dude? That’s kind of a prison. A tough one. That’s like my SHU.

Oh I feel you girl you don’t even know.

Not being able to speak English but having to write it on the internet while I have to speak in French? Prison. Not sharing with anyone what’s like to live half a year in a country and the other in another one? Prison. For privileged people but still, I feel alone and it fucks my mind up. I don’t recommend that situation. Game audio? Kind of another one (seen recently: a game company having all the jobs listed on their website but the game audio designer one, posted somewhere else like game audio is totally something different).

I guess any hardship that isn’t shared with people around you feels like prison at some point. Of course, even more so when it’s not shared with loved ones.

Like the show demonstrates though, people outside of your prison don’t give a damn about your prison.

Surviving here is all about perspective.

That last blog post was sitting in Live Writer. I was looking at it, feeling a bit guilty to express my anger, annoyed of feeling guilty and then it doesn’t stop. Is it going to cost me anything later? Sometimes it’s bad to speak up, I never know when to shut up once I started to express myself. I really miss boundaries on that. Maybe I shouldn’t have a blog.

It’s sunny for four days, which is great but makes my PTCaliforniaD worse. Whenever I close my eyes I see that city. I feel like whenever I was biking Los Angeles my brain was like, “RECORD THAT SHIT” and now that fucker binge-watch those videos every time I don’t pay attention.

I rode my bike. After months of walking it’s like I couldn’t stop my legs and didn’t even want to. I did some loops.

Five years living in a suitcase, five weeks in the dust. Oh hell yeah I want to settle down so hard. Breathe. Stretch. Breathe longer! Stretch to infinite!

Wallpaper: 99%

Ceiling tiles: 100%

Two fireplaces to dismantle: 0%

A small closet to destroy: 0%

Still the attic to take care of. Physically haven’t hurt myself too much for now, but I’d rather write some last will before the next time I’ll get a back and neck rub: that shit will kill me.