h. Play

Alligators are known to have some of the most powerful jaws on earth. So strong that evolution skipped the part where they would need some muscles to open up their mouths too. A simple crab can keep this giant mouth shut.

That’s how I see specialization. Extremely powerful and yet at the first challenge that doesn’t follow the scenario in which you are master of your domain, you are screwed to no end. Look at this alligator. I’m sure he’s trying to find a solution but he can’t do anything, it’s a blank page in his mind. “this is not supposed to happen ever, what now? Oh great that dude took a picture of my embarrassment Jesus”

Anyway. What’s interesting with humans and societies, is that we keep things tailored to specialists. Say the web for example. It’s made of scripts and through its evolution nothing has been made to make it easier, it got worse. HTML/CSS could be way, way simpler and accessible to the general public instead of being something that only nerds and programmers can touch. Add js and you need wizards and shit.

On the other hand we usually consider Greatest Of All Time people who did it all. Who were/are good in a lot of areas. MJ is GOAT because the dude has stats all across the board not because he could dunk.

We also do love multipurpose things. From the over a century old Swiss Army knife to our smartphones and computers doing everything from work to play, we adore generalists and get rid of specialists every time we can.

Except for work. If you look at that picture again and imagine that you are the alligator and your boss is the crab, it makes perfect sense: if you are a specialist you are under control and there’s no escape for you.

Divorce. I guess I should write about it instead of letting it overflow me with feelings and stuff.

In the beginning there’s popping the question. There’s something super insanely scary and exciting in asking a person to be your everything for real. I really wish everyone as an adult would experience going through this and ask someone to be the one, it is a very direct way to feel naked out there humbling the shit out of you. What if she says nah? *shivers*

It makes you feel alive and looking forward I think. It makes you grow a pair (of testicles or ovaries, same) like that time as a kid when you jump into the pool from the highest you’ve ever been, ever. And you’re like “I did it and it worked even though I hurt myself hitting the water and also I can’t hear you now?!!”

Look, I know marriage is pure social construct and that humans are not designed to thrive in monogamic settings. I also heard my grandpa, my dad, my cousin tell me “just uh, don’t get married son” and I did anyway because I’m human sometimes.

But also, I know the deep and beautiful relationships I’ve seen in couples in my life don’t happen in a heartbeat that shit takes a long time, regardless. Our lives shifted so massively from previous generations and there’s still no fucking pavement or nothing.

Patience is out. We brute force or quit and that doesn’t work so well for relationships.

I miss my confidant, I miss that cerebral connection that you share with someone where you know how they would feel about [random shit] and how you would laugh with that person or how you would talk for half a hour about [random shit]. I miss the team aspect so much. I’ve been spoiled I’ve seen great team work with all my parents and grandparents I know I can top them all I’m the shit. Kidding, I’m all right I guess.

Sorry. I’m going to make more coffee and go back to sound work.

I made that creature at Indiecade. It’s already the end of the month. Things move fast when you bust your ass.

Basically, for the first time of my life I work with black folks. Bruh. It’s fucking weird how it doesn’t change anything and yet does change everything. I don’t make much but that “perk” is like some chill water on a hot day. Damn it feels good.

I keep thinking about a friend in France who was telling a story about how on his trip to India at some point, he was the only white dude around for like, 2 hours and how he felt stressed out.

Of course I giggled in front of him and of course I didn’t have to explain nothing. All my white friends around knew what I meant and giggled too. It reminded me that if I felt stressed out too sometimes being in an overwhelmingly different environment, it was OK. And also, I was pretty good at it.

I never feel the pressure while doing it, I never stress out about being the black dude in the house I embrace the challenge. It’s always an after thought when I review my performance and then I’m like “shit, that explains part of why I was tense as hell!”. Because there are so many ways to be judged and not get a second chance. Black folks rarely, very rarely get a second chance. So I try to get things right  immediately which tends to make me try too hard too. Balance, why are you so hard?

It’s a pain when your ctrl keys are acting up. One day I have to type them five times to get something done, the next day they work perfectly fine. For two hours. Then they don’t work at all, then come back. I’ve been trying to fix them but for now, no luck and less everything.

Two roommates out, two in. Transformed my desk to a modern, minimalist standup desk. A little wobbly for now but I feel great using it. My TV gig is going on. Spent the weekend with my favorite dog. Dogs unconditional love is something very profound and we take that for granted. I already miss him, his morning excitement and all. Next time, buddy. Next time, we’ll go out.

Last week. 40 kms on my green saddle, a little sunburn on my forehead and tons of smiles.

October for the past five years always has been rough as hell. But as temperature falls a little bit while the breeze gets colder, it’s still summer. It’s still so sunny and I remember that first experience and how I loved it. Damn, son.

Summer 94, twenty years ago. Little sister, my black ass, grandpa’s hand. Mom behind the camera.

What’s weird with this picture is that it’s a pretty accurate description of my life this year.

If you’re a dude in that decade between 10 and 20, chances are you’re spending most of your time with your peers, judging and talking shit about women. We’re here sitting with our beers, telling our friends that we hate that girl or would fuck this one etc. It’s pretty limited. I couldn’t live this past 20, sorry.

I was 21 and the time was spring 2001 when I went on my own to a feminist meeting. No one knew, at that time feminism was totally unspoken of even though feminism is older than dust. I was in a relationship at that time and I was wondering about the future and how does it work with a woman in your life, stuff like that. I didn’t trust girls when I was a teenager, they all seemed to not know or want anything from when they’ll be adults. To me what women of my generation were supposed to do was to have plans other than stay at home. But it was more complex to approach for them. Anyway, I had given up on getting information from Kurt Cobain and Slash fans. But here I was in my early 20s and wondering how do women feel in this world because yeah, I had never really asked myself that before (yes, pot). And I could already perceive that it was probably very different. I wanted to know why. I knew society kind of shapes our behavior too. I wanted to know how.

So there I am, one out of three other dudes, sitting in an overcrowded café in Paris. Women, all ages, all together. Us, deer shutting the fuck up, smiling awkwardly. And communication began. For my nerdy brain, groking all those points of view was enlightening as fuck. Same patterns as for racism, it helps. I guess it’s way harder for you white guys.

Years and years later, I made lifetime feminist friends, I walked the streets with them, I laughed and felt desperate at the state of what humans know and what we do. I had great sex with some feminists too, it’s all good guys. My dick is fine, didn’t get cut off. But you need to listen and stfu though. It’s a nice principle, I like it. Do the work in your head, in private, thanks.

14 years later though, it feels strange. Progress has been so slow, it’s even been reverted: in Spain when I started to dig feminism abortion was more than legal it was almost advertised, an Hispanic feature. Now they’re trying to ban that individual, basic woman right. India’s rape culture, barely imaginable. Chris Brown’s fans, Rihanna’s face. Religion back in full force since 9/11 fucked everything up to be honest. Also weird, the fact that feminism became bankable (hello, pop stars) and made the real arguments, the challenges that we have to take on fall in the background where no one looks at (salaries, anyone?). Meanwhile, dudes and bros don’t even bother evolve, they just ignore everything that says that they need feminism too, they’re too busy fitting in a dumb herd. In the mean time a lot of women took the heat and paid hard for their freedom, pushing a new generation born in this economic clusterfuck to reverse back to the good ol’ times. “Well you go get the money, honey. It’s crazy outside.”

I really don’t think there’s any other way to understand women’s lives thus making society a better place, without digging some feminism and that’s not done with a fight but a conversation where one listens for a very long time. That’s you dude, in case you’re a bit slow.

Change, and re-arrange. The only thing you’re going to lose is the illusion that men run everything. No, we are not. Never been.

I use Uber quite often. It’s awesome for riders. It’s terrible for drivers.

When I say it’s awesome it’s a bit more than that, it’s life-changing. Ordering transportation in a couple clicks, wait 5 minutes max and pay three times less than a cab is disrupting as fuck.

The problem is drivers make less and less because there’s more and more of them, Uber adds fees and more importantly doesn’t offer anything to their contractors: drivers have to pay everything for their cars.

It’s horrible because I can’t afford cabs –and their service sucks- and drivers can’t let the opportunity of making some bucks driving around LA for a couple hours go away.

It’s how Tech caters to the masses, which are cheap –we all are-, disconnect itself from any accountability –drivers are contractors- while Uber can experiment with hundreds of millions of dollars of investment. We’re like rats in a lab and it’s so obnoxious.

Let’s all jump to the future now and have a basic income and botcars (all of you drivers don’t look at the road anyway).

In my weekly communication with my parents, last week I wrote back to my mom talking about what’s going on here and I mention Ferguson, obviously and this story because that’s us. No answer. I get my sister by email later on, she’s literally writing “but, that’s racism!” and my mind goes blank because there’s so much to deal with when I read that.

Earlier today, Skype session with pop and mom. No mention, no questions. Nothing. It’s disappointing yet not surprising even here no white people want to engage on anything about race. We can’t solve anything if we never talk to each other but nevermind.

“I’m doing fine, for an immigrant black man” is something that pops up in my mind a tad too often. I have a pretty accurate idea of how built-in segregation is and when I see all those black men and women killed for nothing… I work for TV these days and yesterday I was running full speed out of a store with a phone cable in my hand in a super white neighborhood, what if my life was ended in 30s I thought and it made me run faster and cringe inside, very weird feeling.

When I sense all that my survival guts kick in. I wonder where I’m at the safest and it’s where I come from, statistically speaking. But then I trade a great energy and intoxicating vibe to a grey, fossilized and as-racist world. I did the test so often the past few years.

People love to intellectually jerk off on those wedding pictures but to me they’re drenched in Blues. I’m telling you from actual experience that this is the best part for those kids especially the black one. They’re so proud and happy and know it’s the future for humans. Even if they can sense that what they live is not the norm, they aren’t prepared for the actual world we’re living in. You know, the difference between “really?” and “fffuuu”.

Adopting kids outside your race is such a great idea, but such a heavy burden for us realizing when we’re out of the Perfect Bubble in which everyone is equal and things make perfect sense that it was not really real. And yet it’s the future.

We have pocket computers but this picture is still “amazing”. It’s so fucked up.